PREFACE

Growth can be uncomfortable, sometimes painfully so.

It shows up in obvious ways, like starting a new semester, and in huge, unexpected ways, like moving to a new city, or losing someone close. When these events happen, and they frequently will throughout life, this will kick off a growth cycle, and what will follow is a mix of emotions, hardships, and opportunity.

Growth cycles, especially the more painful ones, are almost identical to the five stages of grief and loss, which I think is beautifully poetic. To grow is to mourn the death of old habits, old places, and losing touch with old friends. You clear space so something new can form. New habits, places, and people. Your old self dies to give foundation for your new self to cling onto.

And this culling is exactly what makes growth uncomfortable, because that old self never truly goes away. It’s still apart of you and always will be, and you mourn its passing. You grieve because it served you once, but it now serves you no longer and you have to move on.

Sometimes it can feel like an expansive new chapter where the possibilities are endless, or it can feel like you’re starting all over again from square one.

For the past two years, I’ve experienced many different growth cycles and the one I experienced while Japan was no different.

Following my excursion abroad I faced expected changes; Graduating from college and starting my adult life.

While back from Japan and waiting for my full time SWE job to start, I faced other hardships.

My relationship of nine years fell apart and many friendships built on top of that relationship fell apart with it. A huge chunk of my social structure collapsed, and with it a chunk of my identity.

So here I am, floating in between spaces: not college, not fully adult, still figuring out where I land on the map. These sudden changes have been painful, but they’ve also given me space to reflect on what I did right, what I did wrong, and what I can do next.

This growth cycle is the same as every other, and I’m going to walk through it just like I’ve done in the past.

THE CHANGE, THE LOST, AND THE BAD

It’s pretty easy to list everything that went wrong and lean into pessimism. So I did. Here’s the blunt version:

I LOST JAPAN

I fell in love with Japan during three months there. Two months after coming home, it still feels like I never truly left that dream. When I was there, I felt lighter, like the weight of my past was lifted.

Life felt more authentic. I was friendlier, kinder, more social, curious, and a plethora of other positive character traits. Japan started feeling like home and I didn’t want to return back to the dysfunctional reality I had in the US.

But I knew it was going to end. When I boarded the plane back home, I wasn’t happy. I was mourning the life I was leaving behind.

I LOST MY GIRLFRIEND

That nine-year relationship was a big part of the “old life.” We had no family boundaries, no shared interests, and almost no intimacy. We were more like relatives than partners. We both failed to communicate; I was the main contributor to that failure, and I own it.

We broke up shortly after I got back from Japan and it was not an easy decision. It was brutal.

Not only did I lose my long term partner, but I also lost a family structure I had for nearly a decade. Her family supported mine through some very hard times, and I felt like I was turning my back on them.

Regardless, I knew something had to be done. This same life structure I mourned was keeping not only me, but also my ex-girlfriend, in the same place. We were both treading water.

Japan gave me the distance to realize that I was living as a side character in others’ lives. This had to change, and I hit the eject button.

I LOST MY FREINDS

Pressing the eject button unknowingly ejected a lot of friendships, too.

People who I thought would help turned their backs. I essentially became a villain in their eyes and was glorified as such.

Some of it was deserved, but most of it was exaggerated gossip.

It’s weird how some people act when something like this happens. People LOVE drama. I’m 24 years old, and watching grown adults gossiping like it’s high school is surreal. I guess some people are just grown up children after all, and that won’t change.

The only mature one throughout the whole ordeal seemed to be my now ex girlfriend, who didn’t want to add more to my own self destruction.

So in all of that, I lost a lot of friends, deepening the sting.

I GRADUTED COLLEGE

Graduating college has been mostly a net positive, but moving back home after Japan has made me miss campus life.

I made a lot of new friends on my trip, and when they all moved back to college and I moved back home, it made me sad to see them spending time together in person. I just watched through Discord, continuing to build memories in person together, wishing I could be apart of it.

It’s not that I can’t visit, since I’m only a three-hour drive away, but when everything at home is hard, the friction feels heavier. So I sit at my computer, trying to fill time, while part of me envies that ease of being with people who share that recent experience.

I LOST MY IDENTITY

All of these changes were chinks in the armor chipping away at my identity. Japan revealed a version of me that felt authentically mine, and coming home was a clash. Before I even touched down, my mind rejected the idea of returning to the past and the identity I build abroad was rejected by the life I returned to.

If you read my previous article, I talk a lot more about identity loss and how Japan truly impacted my identity, but I have to say, the homecoming has impacted me more than Japan ever could.

Home didn’t feel like home, friends who were anchors turned away, and previous structures of comfort felt suffocating. It was like I had a full blown ego death or I took the red pill from Morpheus. I realized the life I left behind when I first went to Japan didn’t fit me anymore.

THE GAIN AND THE GOOD

So I took the difficult step. I took the red pill, pressed eject. Now my life has changed and I’m choosing to move forward.

Finding the good in the wreckage is a skill. It doesn’t come automatically. But here’s what I’ve started to build.

I FOUND OUT WHO MY TRUE FREINDS WERE

This whole episode showed people’s colors. The ones who stayed proved their value. The ones who left clarified boundaries.

I’m grateful to those who came to my aid, and strangely, grateful to those who didn’t. The ones who stayed are people I’ll keep. The others won’t re-enter my circle.

I GAINED TIME

I always saw my time as being extremely precious, but my actions never reflected that. I spent a lot of time on wasted effort, in relationships with no value, or just spending time filling the void.

Now I guard my time better.

I say no more often. I spend time with people who elevate me. I’m OK being alone if it means being at peace with myself instead of performing for others.

I GAINED CLARITY

Silence brought clarity. What I want out of life sharpened. The clouds still come, but they disperse faster now. I can set goals and pursue them.

I can now see people for who they truly are, identify distractions that try to sway me from my path, and now that I cut out the noise, I can more clearly see what my core values are.

Life has become a lot simpler now that I focus on what feels authentic to me, and my vision is much more clearly defined.

I GAINED INDEPENDENCE

There’s panic in realizing you don’t have it all figured out, there’s something freeing about losing it all and having to rebuild again. I lost lots of friends, people who were like family, and my own sense of self.

Losing friends, family structures, and the identity I’d grown into gave me the chance to rebuild a life that’s mine with no strings attached.

It’s similar to the same blank-slate feeling I had when I first arrived in Japan five months ago.

I’ll be in my hometown at least a year for work, but I’m more optimistic now. Independence, and the confidence that comes with it, has become a real gift.

WHAT’S NEXT?

Right now? The never ending pursuit of finding myself and continuing work that feels authentic. I’m spending a lot of time reflecting, building, and recovering from this mess.

I’m also working on repairing my sense of self again. I’m still torn in two from the person I was living in Japan, and the person I am now in the US.

Pretty soon I’ll spend a month living in different U.S. cities as a kind of domestic digital nomad before my full-time job starts. I have a couple of projects I want to push toward MVPs while I travel.

I want to test the life I think will make me happiest: travel, work I love, and more autonomy. Japan was a taste. I hope to get back sooner than later.

In the end, your life should center on activities you love. Are you on that path? Are you moving toward your most authentic self?

Thanks for reading :)